Well, America, I thought this day would never come. For years I’ve pledged my allegiance, saluted, and watched my beautiful handwoven 50 star American Flag wave gently through the wind each and every day. However, not anymore.
Early this morning in a special joint session of congress, President Obama met via internet from his current stay in the UK with his cabinet and fellow lawmakers on Capitol Hill. They were hard at work putting the finishing touches on Senate Bill SB737-A, which was released to the public late Friday evening. Surprisingly, this controversial bill has gotten very little coverage by the mainstream American media, but this is of course typical for most news stories released at the end of the week.
Citing the current economic catastrophe, President Obama reportedly issued the following statement early this morning:
“This is a great day for America. I would like you to please join with me as we celebrate this momentous occasion. No longer are we a nation of Blacks and Whites. No longer are we a nation of Rich and Poor, of “haves” and “have-nots”. We are, instead, a nation of Americans. Please join me in welcoming our nearly 4 million new brothers and sisters who have so valiantly and bravely made the decision to become a part of the greatest nation the world has ever known.”
This statement was made shortly after the signing of Senate Bill SB737-A early this morning, while most Americans were still asleep. I won’t bore you with the litany of monotonous details, but in a nutshell it is a bill declaring the annexation into the American Union of ” El Estado Libre Asociado de Puerto Rico” Or, for you and I – Puerto Rico.
That’s right, America. While you were so innocently sleeping, the American government had begun to forge an all out assault on our beloved country. No longer are we the “50 Nifty United States”, we are now, as of today, 51.
According to White House Press Secretary Robert Gibbs, this decision “adds millions of jobs to the American economy”, and also will begin to “open up a few key trade routes that have begun to dwindle over the past few years”. I for one, don’t think that adding an entire state to our country is going to do much towards boosting our struggling economy, but then again maybe that’s why I’m not the one in charge.
As noted historian Thomas Mclaughlin put it:
“This is a sad day for my country. Never in my life did I imagine I would see something as ludicrous as this. The sheer manner in which Congress passed this piece of legislation should in itself raise questions as to the Constitutionality of the entire ordeal.”
Well America, it’s surprising to say the least. And perhaps frightening to say the most. No longer will we be Pledging Allegiance to Old Glory, thanks to our lawmakers even that small piece of American tradition is now lost forever.
Congress will be officially be releasing public statements as to the passage of the bill as well as the ratification of the new 51 star American Flag sometime later this afternoon.
I have a few words for you, Congress — Your unwieldy use of power has begun to destroy the very country that you claim to serve. I also have a few words for the rest of you, America — April Fool’s.